Eternal Jewish truths of your grandmother's Talmud:

Eternal Jewish truths of your grandmother's Talmud:

• The optimist sees the bagel; the pessimist sees the hole.
• If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
• If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
• No one looks good in a yarmulke.
• Who else could have invented the 50 minute hour?
• Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?
• WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave.
• Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.
• Wine needs to breathe, so don't rush through the kiddush.
• Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.
• Never pay retail.
• It's always a bad hair day if you're bald.
• No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry; but then again, no one leaves with a hangover.
• The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
• So, what's so wrong with dry turkey?
• If your name was Lipschitz, you'd change it, too.
• Always whisper the names of diseases.
• One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
• If you don't eat, it will kill me.
• Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
• The most important word to know in any language is SALE.
• Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.
• Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
• Prune Danish is definitely an acquired taste.
• Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
• Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
• A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight.
• A schmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.
• Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
• Before you read the menu, read the prices.
• There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and tell his mother he's an adult. This usually happens at around age 45.
• According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
• Tsouris is a Yiddish word that means your child is marrying someone who isn't Jewish.
• If you're going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for everyone to hear.
• No meal is complete without leftovers.
• What business is a yenta in? Yours.
• If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.
• Prozac is like chicken soup: it doesn't cure anything, but it makes you feel better.
• Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon.